Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
