Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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