I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
you made out with another girl for some wings
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
