this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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