I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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