Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
