M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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