I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
my sisters under your porch take her home
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
