Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
