I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Boobs speak an international language.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
