at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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