I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
