I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
