Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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