i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
