Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
