I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
When did angry sex become our thing?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
