I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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