i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
