Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
