my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
