the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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