yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I just googled if crying burns calories
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Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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