Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Your cock deserves a montage
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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