It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
