It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
