Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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