I've blown a few things in my day
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
