Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
