I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
