im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
