the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
