worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
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He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
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It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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