i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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