Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
