There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
