I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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