I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
