Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
