Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
