So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
