If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
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You coming home soon, man?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
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I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino