Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist