Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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