I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
