Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
