You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
