I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
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