Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
