in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
