i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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