youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
