he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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