Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
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