you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
