I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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