i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
