watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
