Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
